Suicide Rate Among Goats Reaches Peak

goats, suicide, military, humor, satire

Afghanistan- A recent study from Johns Hopkins University in conjunction with Coalition forces, has shown a drastic increase of suicide rates among goats in the middle east. The study comes as a result of troops on patrol finding a large number of dead goats with no apparent injuries. The goats have been found everywhere from mud huts, face down in ravines, and at the bottom of steep rocky cliffs.

Dr. Steven Chonch of Johns Hopkins were sent the bodies of the goats to examine and determine cause of death. The fear was that that ISIS militants were poisoning water supplies and using chemical weapons. The study found that all of the goats examined had broken spinal cords and that all of the goats in question were otherwise healthy. “We were quite alarmed at first because we thought this was a chemical attack or some sort of poison that may spread to our troops on the ground. We needed to find a definitive cause of death. We brought in the best veterinarians that the U.S. has to offer to help find the cause. All autopsies concluded to the same result. Cervical fractures. The fractures were determined to not have been caused by anyone but the goats themselves. Some had blunt force trauma to the head that were consistent with falling from a high area which caused the fractures. Others were found with ligature marks around the neck area that show that some of these goats found a way to hang themselves and snap their own neck” explained Dr. Chonch.

Col. Tom Parker of the 902nd Military Intelligence Group has a theory why. “Upon further investigation, we found that all of the goats that committed suicide, were female goats. The goats were then examined and found to all have been forcibly raped. It seems that these goats have been part of a sex slave trade by ISIS. They’re out there hiding from our boys in caves and huts and they are cut off from the regular world. They have no access to women since most have fled the heavy fighting zones so all that is left are the poor goats. We are still determining if this conclusion is true but all of the preliminary signs point to one thing. The goats are committing suicide because they’re being raped by these ISIS fighters. And who can blame them?”

Officials do not yet have a plan to help end the slave trade and ultimately end the suicidal goat problem but every avenue is being researched to find a solution.

Written By: Jesse James

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