It was 2008, almost June in Narwhan, Iraq. It was a city of 100,000 folks that had a sleeper cell of insurgents. Our work schedule was 2 days on missions, 1 day on guard/details/down days. It was my down/guard day, I was on the ECP. We had to have 3 folks at the ECP at all times. Driver,TC and Gunner. I took gunner seat.
That day we had the shit truck coming in to suck poo out of the tanks. Of course we do our search of the truck, take the cell phones and search the shit truck guy. Same Iraqi always driving the poo truck , a Muslim Christian. He would always talk about god and how awesome America was. We took it as him trying to butter us up to get more fuel.
That day we where bored and were feeling a bit dickish. It did not help that the SOG(Billy) was my battle buddy who loved to prank and fuck with dudes. Billy and the other person on guard walked up, did the search and brought back 2 cell phones. I at first looked at them because one was designed crazy, and the other was like our phones. While messing with it, I said fuck it, I wanna call and find me an insurgent on his phone.
I go to his phone pushing buttons tell I hear it ring. The screen was in Arabic. First call, rings and rings I hang up. 2nd call I guess I was expecting them not to answer, they did. For some reason my mind goes blank and I start talking like a towel head. First we talk about their favorite chocolate, flower, weapon, shit I even ask their favorite color. Just complete dumb shit. He hangs up 6mins in.
I’m filled with exciment of fucking with towel heads at 6am eventhough I’m sweating balls in 115 degrees, fuck this full battle rattle. Next call, Billy gets involved. We call and get a super deep-voiced Iraqi. We play the first 5 minutes perfect. Our accents and asking for chocolate is on point. Dude is straight having a convo with us. I look at Billy and mention we should do good-cop, bad-cop on him with a touch of gay. We then decide to waste 20 mins grilling this fucker asking where the boomala is and his team. We say we have your cousin and will cut his balls off if they don’t tell us where the boomala is? We inform him we have his pin point location and we will come pick him up if they don’t tell us where the boomala is.
We grilled him and of course talked about what color goat is best to fuck. As we hear the poo truck coming from behind we laughed and hung up. We proceed to laugh until he pulls up and we hand him his phones. We show him our gratitude of him sucking our poo up and give him a miami cig. He’s off for the day.
Still to this day, we wonder if he ever realized we used his minutes like a mother fucker. He never said anything in the later months.