Base Commander Legalizes Prostitution on Camp Lejeune

legal prostitution, marine, camp lejeune, satire, humor

Camp Lejeune, NC- The base commander for Camp Lejeune has instituted a bold new strategy to decrease the risk of sexual assault at her base. Brigadier General Jane Holmes has legalized prostitution on her base due to a special amendment by Mad Dog himself, Defense Secretary Mattis. This is the first time since the American Revolution that prostitution has been legalized and condoned by military leadership.

The military and prostitution has had a long and tumultuous relationship. During the late 1700’s, some of the women associated with the American Revolution followed the continental Army to “service” the enlisted and officers but were often seen as a problem as they few and the men were many. Venereal disease was a common problem. Once the Navy and Marines were an established force, they would frequent the local brothels at various ports of call but the persistent problem of venereal disease would follow.

General Joe Hooker

During the civil war a red light district in Washington was frequently visited by General Joe Hooker and his men. This made for an undisciplined group of soldiers who were constantly trying to satisfy their animalistic instinct to procreate. In the early 1900’s congress banned the interstate transport of females for “immoral purposes. By the 1920’s and 30’s prostitution was such a problem they had to pass an venereal disease control act. Then, the May Act, which became law in June 1941, intended to prevent prostitution on restricted zones around military bases. It was invoked chiefly during wartime.

Since then, sexual assault has been on the rise. With men unable to find women willing to have sex with them and the increasing number of women that are now integrated with men in the military, base commanders are left with little choices. Most men and women feel that the sexual assault briefs are a waste of time. They do not deter men or women from their natural instinct to pleasure themselves. This is where General Holmes has decided to embrace this instinct instead of fight it.

“Marines are made to kill, fight, and fuck. Plain and simple” she explained to our 60 mikes reporter. “Why fight it? Each prostitute comes with pictures, a bio and a complete list of services. We don’t want Marines thinking they can violate a woman any way they please. So we lay out the expectations and the prices up front, out of respect for the whore.” She continued to explain the effectiveness of the program, “sexual assaults on Camp Lejeune are down 70%. It’s amazing what’s possible when an entire population is getting laid.” The program however is not free. “We’ve imposed a 5% tax on the prostitution service, and the money is used for training, MWR, and base improvements. In just 4 weeks we’ve collected enough in taxes to fly the entire 2nd Marine Regiment to Las Vegas for the ball.”

It seems General Holmes may be onto something but we will have to see if the idea catches on.

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Written By: Jesse James

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